Monday, December 7, 2009


I woke up this morning feeling as bad as I did the night before. I felt like this horrible person and I continued to feel like that for most of the day. I mean theres things... people that can change my mood in a instant.. and they hardly have to do anything. I sat my desk today during school and really wondered what it was that I honestly want... I couldn't come up with anything specific... I mean I want all the normal things... affection, friends, fun,  and laughter to name few.. but like what do I really want. I must want something... and that something is going to cure this seemingly incurable depression thats come over me for almost... what? two years now? that sounds right. I keep searching for something that seems like it will never actually come and I continue to get worse.. worse to the point where the pain is actually physically hurting me.. laying in my bed the other night my chest literally hurt... it was a bad day.. i locked myself in my room to cry for like 5 hours kind of bad day and thats what I did. I fell asleep curled up in a ball crying.. I don't like the person I've become in the last two years. I've changed in so many ways.. some people may say that the change is necessary.. which that would be completely true  but the change for me... i just don't like it. What the hell is my heart in my head trying to tell me... if anyone can help me figure it out please tell me because I can't hide the pain I've been trying to hide from everyone for much longer.. I'm not as strong as I once was and I can't hold things back as long as I use to.. I feel like I'm finally reaching my breaking point and I'm gonna finally stop falling and actually hit the ground... but my world will never stop.. never end.. it keeps spinning no matter how low I actually get.. looking at me walking down the hallways you'd never be able to tell that there's this person inside me thats being torn apart by every word thats thrown at me... people screw me over but I'm still who I'm mean't to be. But no matter what I do I can not deny that I'm done pretending everything's okay all the time. I'm done being strong for everyone else. But then again I'm probably lying.  
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2 comments:

Jesse said...

Be honest. Be honest. People dont like masks. You have friends that care for you. I see that all over your page. If they truly are your friends then they will stick with you. I'm sure of it. Thats the purpose of friends. To help to lift one another up. To heal a broken leg or heart. You just have to let them. Its like an open wound. If you leave a large wound covered too long it can get very infected. So to clean it you have to unwrap it an disinfect it with alcohol. It hurts soooooooo much (like honesty and reliance) but once healed and restored you realize that such pain was necessary to keep your leg. Otherwise you would've had it amputated. And legless...heartless. I'm sure you have a best friend somewhere. I sure hope you do. "A Chord of three is not easily broken, niether is a group of close friends easily broken"

December 7, 2009 at 9:08 PM
Anonymous said...

its okay to cry sometimes and just break out of your character. sometimes i need a good cry so i lock myself up and just cry. and half the time i dont even know why im crying. maybe its because i know i have to move on with my life no matter how much i dont want to and how much im not ready for it. and i can see that youre struggling to move on with yours too. i can see that its hurting you, but the best you can do right now is stay as strong as you can for the most part. my older sister always used to tell me what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, and in the past few years ive come to think that she was right. sometimes when something is hurting me really badly, i think about if it will even matter in a few weeks, months or years. trying to make yourself happy can be one of the most difficult things you will ever face in life. i can assure you youre not alone at all.. keep your head up :)

December 9, 2009 at 8:20 PM

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