what do I want?

What do I want? I have no idea anymore.. I wish I did. I wish I understood myself... I don't. I still feel alone all the time. I can't give anyone more than half of my heart because I'm afraid to give more. I want something.. but can never figure out what.. I've had the days where I utterly hate everything about myself and those are more often then you think.. I feel like a horrible person because of past mistakes.. I feel like my world could come crashing down at any moment as I keep falling deeper into what ever the hell this is. I'm not gonna run from this though... I'm not scared anymore. I know what to expect and have accepted that I just have to live with it. I still feel like my heart is breaking everyday.. for different reasons. People hurt me on a regular basis without noticing how much damage they're actually causing me. I don't even bother mentioning anything anymore.. If people ask me whats wrong.. I don't feel like talking to them.. If I look depressed.. chances are that I probably am... even some of my best friends notice that. My most frequent used lie is defiantly that "I'm fine". I don't like people knowing that I'm in pain.. or that I'm weak. Thats half the reason I hide it. I don't want to ruin anything for anyone.. so I frequently use that lie just to make other people happy. Trust.. is something very hard for me now.. especially seeing as I can not trust myself anymore.. left alone that many people. I don't know what to do. I obviously can not stay like this forever... I miss who I use to be... but that person is completely gone now. It's almost like I had to completely start over. I miss feelings like love.. even lust. I miss having a significant other I suppose. People make it look so easy but then again those peoples relationships never last do they? Maybe waiting is important... even if its ripping you apart. Why'd this have to take over my life? How could one great thing coming to end completely ruin everything?