thoughts that float through my mind

I don't know what to do anymore. My continues to spin more and more everyday. I'm searching for something to fill the empty space inside me but I don't even know what it is. I miss everything about being in a relationship but I don't want one. But I don't want just have a fling. I'm trying so hard to not get close to people that I know are just going to leave at the end of summer because every time I do they leave and I just don't exist anymore. Theres no point. Although I'm enjoying where I'm at... I'm still convinced I was born in the wrong year... I feel like for some reason I should be older than I am.... because I think so much different than half the people my age. However, I still have no idea what I want for myself and I still have no idea who I want in my life and how I don't because I can't just drop people thats just no me. I'm not that kind of person.. and I could never understand how you could just drop a friend. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't know what to do with myself I feel the need to find... something or someone to fill the constant and utter void in my life. Although I constantly feel like somethings missing.. I'm not gonna lie.. I'm loving every second of every moment of my life right now. I'm just asking for a little more to love.

I haven't done this in a while... I haven't found the time or will to want to do it at all for a while.... what can I say... another school year over and the last high school year just around the corner.... junior year... crashed and burned in the end and the summer that started off half way decent blew up out of no where. Although... I think it was probably half good. You just need a break from someone that you have just completely disagreed with most of the year or I've felt like completely just didn't care about me this year at all. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that I haven't made my fair share of mistakes this year because trust me.. I know I have. And  feel bad about some of the things I said to you because I know they were pretty messed up but its honestly pretty much everything I've been holding in all year. It had to get out eventually. And I feel bad about how alone you must feel right now... like every single person hates you and you've got no one. Although you probably don't care at this point even if we aren't on the best of terms right now... I'm still here for you. I don't hate you. I was mad at you.. I'm not gonna lie.. I was pissed.... you made me feel horrible... saying everything was my fault... when you never even let me talk you never even let me say what I wanted to say... you're mind was made up.. what you thought was what you thought and nothing could change it. So I gave up and gave in and decided that arguing was no longer worth it because what was I seriously going to do? I just think the whole situation is completely horrible and blown up to a point where its just unnecessary. I mean yes I was pissed but I would never go as far as the the some people did in this. never. ever. Seeing that is honestly half the reason I'm so after to say whats on my mind to people most of the time because I know how people can ruin peoples entires life.. I've seen people do it. Its just not right. And whether you believe it or not.. whatever we are to each other... no matter what happens.... I still care and to an extent... I'm still completely and utterly there for you no matter what and I'll stick up for you.. I plan to.. as long as its justified for me to do so... because no matter what you were a huge part of my life and because of that I'm still gonna be there for you. I'm done with all this crap. This bullshit drama. Its out of my system. And its staying out because there's no need for it. Life's to short and so is the rest of high school.

I can't actually believe this is happening again... today, I had my first panic attack in  I couldn't even tell you how long. The worst part is.. I have absolutely no one to talk about it... I just can't bring myself to tell anyone. I can't remember the last time any of my close friends.. actually asked me how I was. Not that I even want to talk about myself.. I hate when people just talk about themselves to me.. so the hell would I do it to someone else. I keep getting pissed of at the stupidest shit. But that same stupid shit... are the things that are dragging me down again. It sucks now.. I feel so alone again.. for no reason. I constantly feel like the tag along friend whenever I go anywhere. So much shit has gotten screwed up this year and I constantly feel like I'm in the middle of everything. I've lost respect for so many people this year... well no I shouldn't say that.. I'm disappointed in a lot of people this year. I can even go as far as saying I'm disappointed in myself for a couple things. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm hurt so bad right now for reasons I don't even know. I seriously have no idea what I'm gonna do this time. I slipping farther and father into the another dark point in my life and right now I don't have anyone to save me. I feel like just completely giving up on everything. I can't go through this shit again. It's going to hurt me so bad.. and I've been doing so good for such a long time. 

hrrwego Summer

Hi guyysss. I know I haven't written on here in forever. hmph.. I've just been super busy. But luckyyyy schools almost over :) Which means:

Summer! Hurry up and get here already. I couldn’t want you more than I already do. 22 days of school left.. 17 days not counting the days of finals. I just want school to end. But my summers going to be so busy! Between diving practice and working my volunteer hours all day (which eventually I’ll get paid for… after a good 45 hours -_-).. and doing everything for e-board then going to California to see my sister, my brother-in-law and my niece who’s being born next month.. which I’m super excited about. I’m hoping I can go to the beach again for a week but I have no idea if I’ll have time.. which makes me really upset. I have to find an actual job so I can make money to buy a ticket to see John Mayer seeing as I’m going to miss Dave Matthews… again.. -_- Not only do I have to do that stuff but I have to work on getting my license but I need to get my permit first.. yes I know.. I’m being very slow about that. hush. AND I have to start filling out all my college stuff. JEEZ! And in between all that… I need to have me a lot of fun. I don’t care how much I have to do this summer. Alls I know is.. I’m so sick of school that I don’t really give a damn how busy my summer is going to be.

Where do I even begin to get the thoughts that have been racing through my head out. I figured a couple things out the last couple days. The guy I use to right about.. a while ago... I obviously never stopped loving him. The relationship I had with him... was the best I've ever had... by far... but too much.. stuff went on that ruined everything about it... I mean I've had a couple relationships since that one but none of them lasted long, ended badly... whatever.. But I realized I'm just searching for something better then that first one... because I want to move on because as much as I'd go back in a heartbeat, I just don't want to go back when I know I'll probably only hurt him again.... I've done enough damage already. I mean it wouldn't take too much for me to fall for him all over again.. he could just show up out of no where and it be the happiest day of my life all over again. My face still lights up when a text from him shows up on my screen.. I can tell. My stomach still does flips when I'm around him or even see him for a split second. But I can't go back.... he deserves better than the broken girl that I've become...... I'm a mess and I've been trying to fix myself up forever but I almost feel like giving up because every time I make progress I just end up turning back around again. I don't deserve anything.

Excuse me please, one more drink. Could you make it strong? Cause I don't need to think.

 I try to tell myself that my life is good now. I have no remorse and I no longer feel completely alone. But I can't say that I don't still feel like somethings missing. Does that make me a selfish person? I have plenty of friends, I have a roof over my head, I have a good structured family, I have enough clothes to the point where I don't wear half of what I own, I have a bed to sleep in every night, I have three meals a day and can get food anytime I want. I have all these things and more and yet I sit here convinced that my life can have a little more. Although I don't know what that thing is, I still think its essential to my life to make me from having the random day where I feel like I use to. I still over think things, I still blame most things that happen on myself, I still feel like a screw up most of the time, and sometimes I just feel completely helpless... and yet, I'm still happy. I can truly smile most of the time and know in the back of the mind that for once in my life I don't have to fake it. I've realized recently however, just because you know you want or need something doesn't mean you should necessary go looking for it, most of the time it is better to let these thing come to you because in our selfish humanistic ways we go and search of things and create something into something it was never suppose to be and even when we realize that it was the wrong choice we still try to convince ourselves its what we want because we want whatever it is to work. But most of the time things like this just ruin a part of our lives we use to enjoy. But what can we do about this? Absolutely nothing. I say this only because we're all going to make mistakes in our lives and we have to learn to live with them. We can't go ahead and try to fix them right away because we have to let them fix themselves but most people do not realize this until we make things worse. Everyone say our lives are short and we should enjoy every minute. I agree with half of that. Yes we should enjoy every minute of the life we have no matter what but life is not short... because life is the longest thing we actually ever do.   

Summer...

A 1,000 views and I haven't written in months... I can not wait until this school years over. I'm so stressed out. Too many things are going on. So much crap is going on... I'm trying to let it not effect me and keep my head up.. but I just can't. I can't stand this. I think I'm going crazy. I'm convinced I can't do anything right again. I feel like I've never been anything special and I never will be. I feel like I was ruined for other people too soon. I feel like I'll never have something good again. Maybe I try to much or maybe i just don't try enough.. maybe I look for the wrong things... maybe I'll never be good for anyone.. not anymore. Once in a life time. That how I see it. I can't wait for the summer... I can't wait to get away.. go to California for a week.. go to the beach for more weeks... and just leave this entire town behind. And after that I can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of here.